[AccessD] Friday Humour

Software Design & Solutions Pty Ltd. SDSSoftware at Optusnet.com.au
Sun Apr 20 18:36:30 CDT 2003


Criminal record + sense of humour............ Absolute prerequisites!
  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: MartyConnelly 
  To: accessd at databaseadvisors.com 
  Sent: Saturday, April 19, 2003 6:51 AM
  Subject: Re: [AccessD] Friday Humour


  I heard about an English guy that nearly got kicked out of Australia, 
  while going through Customs and Immigration. He was asked "Do you have a 
  criminal record?".  He replied, " Is that still a requirement here?"

  Andy Lacey wrote:

  > >
  >  
  >
  >>>Evidently, these are real answers and replies from a rather fed-up 
  >>>Australian Tourist Information clerk who was initially very 
  >>>enthusiastic at answering peoples' questions, until he realized the 
  >>>sorts of people
  >>>      
  >>>
  >he
  >  
  >
  >>>was talking to......
  >>>
  >>>----- Original Message -----
  >>>
  >>>These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourist
  >>>      
  >>>
  >
  >  
  >
  >>>Website and  the answers came from an Aussie Customer Service rep.
  >>>
  >>>1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
  >>>      
  >>>
  >
  >  
  >
  >>>on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
  >>>A: Actually, we import all plants fully grown and then just sit 
  >>>around watching them die.
  >>>
  >>>2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
  >>>A: Depends how much you've been drinking
  >>>
  >>>3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the 
  >>>railroad tracks? (Sweden)
  >>>A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
  >>>
  >>>4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
  >>>A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
  >>>
  >>>5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
  >>>      
  >>>
  >
  >  
  >
  >>>to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
  >>>A: Let's not touch this one.
  >>>
  >>>6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send 
  >>>me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? 
  >>>(UK)
  >>>A: What exactly did your last slave die of?
  >>>
  >>>7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
  >>>Australia?(USA)
  >>>A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. 
  >>>Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which 
  >>>does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday 
  >>>night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
  >>>
  >>>8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
  >>>A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
  >>>      
  >>>
  >
  >  
  >
  >>>and we'll send the rest of the directions.
  >>>
  >>>9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
  >>>A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
  >>>
  >>>10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
  >>>A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, 
  >>>which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every 
  >>>Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come 
  >>>naked.
  >>>
  >>>11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
  >>>A: No, WE don't stink.
  >>>
  >>>12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
  >>>      
  >>>
  >
  >  
  >
  >>>Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
  >>>A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
  >>>
  >>>13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
  >>>A: You are a British politician, right?
  >>>
  >>>14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
  >>>      
  >>>
  >population
  >  
  >
  >>>is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
  >>>A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
  >>>
  >>>15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
  >>>A: Only at Christmas.
  >>>
  >>>16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
  >>>A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
  >>>
  >>>17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all 
  >>>year round? (Germany)
  >>>A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. 
  >>>Milk is illegal.
  >>>
  >>>18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can 
  >>>dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
  >>>A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All 
  >>>Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and 
  >>>make good pets.
  >>>
  >>>19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
  >>>      
  >>>
  >forget
  >  
  >
  >>>its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
  >>>A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
  >>>      
  >>>
  >
  >  
  >
  >>>of gumtrees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them, 
  >>>although you personally should be safe enough. If you are still 
  >>>worried you can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine
  >>>      
  >>>
  >
  >  
  >
  >>>before you go out walking.
  >>>
  >>>21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the 
  >>>girl
  >>>      
  >>>
  >I
  >  
  >
  >>>dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
  >>>A: Yes, but you will have to pay her by the hour, just like last 
  >>>time.
  >>>
  >>>22. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
  >>>A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
  >>>
  >>>      
  >>>
  >
  >Andy Lacey
  >http://www.minstersystems.co.uk
  >
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  >
  >  
  >


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