[AccessD] Friday Humour

 >
> > Evidently, these are real answers and replies from a rather fed-up 
> > Australian Tourist Information clerk who was initially very 
> > enthusiastic at answering peoples' questions, until he realized the 
> > sorts of people
he
> > was talking to......
> >
> > ----- Original Message -----
> >
> > These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourist

> > Website and  the answers came from an Aussie Customer Service rep.
> >
> > 1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain

> > on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
> > A: Actually, we import all plants fully grown and then just sit 
> > around watching them die.
> >
> > 2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
> > A: Depends how much you've been drinking
> >
> > 3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the 
> > railroad tracks? (Sweden)
> > A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
> >
> > 4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
> > A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
> >
> > 5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places

> > to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
> > A: Let's not touch this one.
> >
> > 6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send 
> > me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? 
> > (UK)
> > A: What exactly did your last slave die of?
> >
> > 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
> > Australia?(USA)
> > A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. 
> > Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which 
> > does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday 
> > night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
> >
> > 8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
> > A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here

> > and we'll send the rest of the directions.
> >
> > 9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
> > A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
> >
> > 10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
> > A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, 
> > which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every 
> > Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come 
> > naked.
> >
> > 11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
> > A: No, WE don't stink.
> >
> > 12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.

> > Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
> > A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
> >
> > 13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
> > A: You are a British politician, right?
> >
> > 14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population
> > is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
> > A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
> >
> > 15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
> > A: Only at Christmas.
> >
> > 16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
> > A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
> >
> > 17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all 
> > year round? (Germany)
> > A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. 
> > Milk is illegal.
> >
> > 18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can 
> > dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
> > A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All 
> > Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and 
> > make good pets.
> >
> > 19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget
> > its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
> > A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out

> > of gumtrees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them, 
> > although you personally should be safe enough. If you are still 
> > worried you can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine

> > before you go out walking.
> >
> > 21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the 
> > girl
I
> > dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
> > A: Yes, but you will have to pay her by the hour, just like last 
> > time.
> >
> > 22. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
> > A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
> >

Andy Lacey
http://www.minstersystems.co.uk