MartyConnelly
martyconnelly at shaw.ca
Fri Apr 18 15:51:56 CDT 2003
I heard about an English guy that nearly got kicked out of Australia, while going through Customs and Immigration. He was asked "Do you have a criminal record?". He replied, " Is that still a requirement here?" Andy Lacey wrote: > > > > >>>Evidently, these are real answers and replies from a rather fed-up >>>Australian Tourist Information clerk who was initially very >>>enthusiastic at answering peoples' questions, until he realized the >>>sorts of people >>> >>> >he > > >>>was talking to...... >>> >>>----- Original Message ----- >>> >>>These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourist >>> >>> > > > >>>Website and the answers came from an Aussie Customer Service rep. >>> >>>1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain >>> >>> > > > >>>on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) >>>A: Actually, we import all plants fully grown and then just sit >>>around watching them die. >>> >>>2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) >>>A: Depends how much you've been drinking >>> >>>3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the >>>railroad tracks? (Sweden) >>>A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water... >>> >>>4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) >>>A: So its true what they say about Swedes. >>> >>>5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places >>> >>> > > > >>>to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) >>>A: Let's not touch this one. >>> >>>6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send >>>me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? >>>(UK) >>>A: What exactly did your last slave die of? >>> >>>7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in >>>Australia?(USA) >>>A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. >>>Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which >>>does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday >>>night in Kings Cross. Come naked. >>> >>>8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) >>>A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here >>> >>> > > > >>>and we'll send the rest of the directions. >>> >>>9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) >>>A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. >>> >>>10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) >>>A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, >>>which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every >>>Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come >>>naked. >>> >>>11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) >>>A: No, WE don't stink. >>> >>>12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. >>> >>> > > > >>>Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) >>>A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. >>> >>>13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) >>>A: You are a British politician, right? >>> >>>14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female >>> >>> >population > > >>>is smaller than the male population? (Italy) >>>A: Yes, gay nightclubs. >>> >>>15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) >>>A: Only at Christmas. >>> >>>16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) >>>A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them. >>> >>>17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all >>>year round? (Germany) >>>A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. >>>Milk is illegal. >>> >>>18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can >>>dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) >>>A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All >>>Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and >>>make good pets. >>> >>>19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I >>> >>> >forget > > >>>its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) >>>A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out >>> >>> > > > >>>of gumtrees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them, >>>although you personally should be safe enough. If you are still >>>worried you can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine >>> >>> > > > >>>before you go out walking. >>> >>>21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the >>>girl >>> >>> >I > > >>>dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) >>>A: Yes, but you will have to pay her by the hour, just like last >>>time. >>> >>>22. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) >>>A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first. >>> >>> >>> > >Andy Lacey >http://www.minstersystems.co.uk > >_______________________________________________ >AccessD mailing list >AccessD at databaseadvisors.com >http://databaseadvisors.com/mailman/listinfo/accessd >Website: http://www.databaseadvisors.com > > >