[AccessD] Friday Humour

MartyConnelly martyconnelly at shaw.ca
Fri Apr 18 15:51:56 CDT 2003


I heard about an English guy that nearly got kicked out of Australia, 
while going through Customs and Immigration. He was asked "Do you have a 
criminal record?".  He replied, " Is that still a requirement here?"

Andy Lacey wrote:

> >
>  
>
>>>Evidently, these are real answers and replies from a rather fed-up 
>>>Australian Tourist Information clerk who was initially very 
>>>enthusiastic at answering peoples' questions, until he realized the 
>>>sorts of people
>>>      
>>>
>he
>  
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>>>was talking to......
>>>
>>>----- Original Message -----
>>>
>>>These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourist
>>>      
>>>
>
>  
>
>>>Website and  the answers came from an Aussie Customer Service rep.
>>>
>>>1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
>>>      
>>>
>
>  
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>>>on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
>>>A: Actually, we import all plants fully grown and then just sit 
>>>around watching them die.
>>>
>>>2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
>>>A: Depends how much you've been drinking
>>>
>>>3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the 
>>>railroad tracks? (Sweden)
>>>A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
>>>
>>>4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
>>>A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
>>>
>>>5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
>>>      
>>>
>
>  
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>>>to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
>>>A: Let's not touch this one.
>>>
>>>6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send 
>>>me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? 
>>>(UK)
>>>A: What exactly did your last slave die of?
>>>
>>>7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
>>>Australia?(USA)
>>>A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. 
>>>Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which 
>>>does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday 
>>>night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
>>>
>>>8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
>>>A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
>>>      
>>>
>
>  
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>>>and we'll send the rest of the directions.
>>>
>>>9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
>>>A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
>>>
>>>10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
>>>A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, 
>>>which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every 
>>>Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come 
>>>naked.
>>>
>>>11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
>>>A: No, WE don't stink.
>>>
>>>12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
>>>      
>>>
>
>  
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>>>Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
>>>A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
>>>
>>>13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
>>>A: You are a British politician, right?
>>>
>>>14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
>>>      
>>>
>population
>  
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>>>is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
>>>A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
>>>
>>>15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
>>>A: Only at Christmas.
>>>
>>>16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
>>>A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
>>>
>>>17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all 
>>>year round? (Germany)
>>>A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. 
>>>Milk is illegal.
>>>
>>>18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can 
>>>dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
>>>A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All 
>>>Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and 
>>>make good pets.
>>>
>>>19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
>>>      
>>>
>forget
>  
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>>>its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
>>>A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
>>>      
>>>
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>>>of gumtrees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them, 
>>>although you personally should be safe enough. If you are still 
>>>worried you can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine
>>>      
>>>
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>>>before you go out walking.
>>>
>>>21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the 
>>>girl
>>>      
>>>
>I
>  
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>>>dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
>>>A: Yes, but you will have to pay her by the hour, just like last 
>>>time.
>>>
>>>22. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
>>>A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
>>>
>>>      
>>>
>
>Andy Lacey
>http://www.minstersystems.co.uk
>
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>
>  
>




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