Andy Lacey
andy at minstersystems.co.uk
Fri Sep 5 01:30:33 CDT 2003
> > All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make >the > > in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more > > entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or > > reported: > > > > On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the > > pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude >and > > will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and >to > > enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." > > > > -------------- > > On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your > > belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure >it's > > something > > we'd like to have." > > > > -------------- > > "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways > > > to leave the aircraft." > > -------------- > > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone > > voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" > > -------------- > > After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, > > > a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care > > > when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like > > > that, sure as f*** everything has shifted." > > > > -------------- > > From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To > > > operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and >pull > > tight. It works just > > like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate >one, > > you > > probably shouldn't be out in public > > unsupervised." > > > > -------------- > > "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend > > > from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over >your > > face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your >mask > > before > > assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small > > > child, pick your favourite. > > > > ------------- > > "Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, > > but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and > > remember, > > nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines." > > > > -------------- > > "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of > > an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them >with > > our compliments." > > -------------- > > "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the > > overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose >before > > assisting children ... or other adults acting like children." > > > > -------------- > > Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: > > > The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite >a > > bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it > > wasn't > > the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the >flight > > attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt!" > > -------------- > > Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: > > "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us >to the > > > > terminal." > > -------------- > > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had > > hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a >policy > > which > > required the first officer to stand at the door while the >passengers > > exited, > > smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United." > > He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time > > looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have >a > > smart > > comment. > > Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a > > cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" > > "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" > > The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" > > > > -------------- > > After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant > > came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats >until > > Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching >halt > > against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the >warning > > bells are > > silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the > > wreckage to the terminal." > > -------------- > > Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to > > thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get >the > > insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal >tube, > > we > > hope you'll think of Qantas." > > -------------- > > A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a > > comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over >the > > intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. >Welcome > > to > > Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather >ahead is > > good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. >Now sit > > > > back and relax - SH*T! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" > > > > Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on > > the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I >scared > > you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought >me a > > cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see >the > > front of my pants!" > > A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back > > > of mine!" > > > Andy Lacey http://www.minstersystems.co.uk <http://www.minstersystems.co.uk/>