MF
mfisch4 at capex.com.ar
Fri Nov 10 14:15:39 CST 2006
New Dictionary Terms Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name. Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993." 404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Oh-no-second: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake. Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed." SITCOM: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists." Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Things You Wish You Could Say At Work 1. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. You sound reasonable ... Time to up the medication. 24. Who me? I just wander from room to room. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cubans St. Peter came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you." We have some Cubans up here who are causing problems. My flute is missing, mojo sauce is all over the place, they are making guayaberas from their robes, they have domino tables in the cafeteria, and they're wearing baseball caps instead of halos. They refuse to stop making Cuban Coffee on the heaven's stairs and some of them are walking around with just one wing." The Lord said, "Cubans are Cubans, Peter. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, ask the Devil." Peter calls - the Devil answered the phone "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Peter replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil again said Hold on, Hold On.... The Devil said "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Peter said "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said "Man, I don't believe this...Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Peter, I can't talk right now. Those damn Cubans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here goes Little Tony AGAIN!!!!! A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream . The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2) Little TONY retur ns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f...... difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom . He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2) One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out be autifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------