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<DIV><FONT face=Arial color=#0000ff size=2>Criminal record + sense of
humour............ Absolute prerequisites!</FONT></DIV>
<BLOCKQUOTE
style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; PADDING-LEFT: 5px; MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; BORDER-LEFT: #0000ff 2px solid; MARGIN-RIGHT: 0px">
<DIV style="FONT: 10pt arial">----- Original Message ----- </DIV>
<DIV
style="BACKGROUND: #e4e4e4; FONT: 10pt arial; font-color: black"><B>From:</B>
<A title=martyconnelly@shaw.ca
href="mailto:martyconnelly@shaw.ca">MartyConnelly</A> </DIV>
<DIV style="FONT: 10pt arial"><B>To:</B> <A title=accessd@databaseadvisors.com
href="mailto:accessd@databaseadvisors.com">accessd@databaseadvisors.com</A>
</DIV>
<DIV style="FONT: 10pt arial"><B>Sent:</B> Saturday, April 19, 2003 6:51
AM</DIV>
<DIV style="FONT: 10pt arial"><B>Subject:</B> Re: [AccessD] Friday
Humour</DIV>
<DIV><BR></DIV>I heard about an English guy that nearly got kicked out of
Australia, <BR>while going through Customs and Immigration. He was asked "Do
you have a <BR>criminal record?". He replied, " Is that still a
requirement here?"<BR><BR>Andy Lacey wrote:<BR><BR>> ><BR>>
<BR>><BR>>>>Evidently, these are real answers and replies from a
rather fed-up <BR>>>>Australian Tourist Information clerk who was
initially very <BR>>>>enthusiastic at answering peoples' questions,
until he realized the <BR>>>>sorts of
people<BR>>>>
<BR>>>><BR>>he<BR>> <BR>><BR>>>>was talking
to......<BR>>>><BR>>>>----- Original Message
-----<BR>>>><BR>>>>These questions about Australia were
posted on an Australian Tourist<BR>>>>
<BR>>>><BR>><BR>> <BR>><BR>>>>Website
and the answers came from an Aussie Customer Service
rep.<BR>>>><BR>>>>1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia?
I have never seen it rain<BR>>>>
<BR>>>><BR>><BR>> <BR>><BR>>>>on TV, so how
do the plants grow? (UK)<BR>>>>A: Actually, we import all plants
fully grown and then just sit <BR>>>>around watching them
die.<BR>>>><BR>>>>2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in
the street? (USA)<BR>>>>A: Depends how much you've been
drinking<BR>>>><BR>>>>3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to
Sydney - can I follow the <BR>>>>railroad tracks?
(Sweden)<BR>>>>A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of
water...<BR>>>><BR>>>>4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the
bushes in Australia? (Sweden)<BR>>>>A: So its true what they say
about Swedes.<BR>>>><BR>>>>5. Q: It is imperative that I
find the names and addresses of
places<BR>>>>
<BR>>>><BR>><BR>> <BR>><BR>>>>to contact for
a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)<BR>>>>A: Let's not touch this
one.<BR>>>><BR>>>>6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines)
in Australia? Can you send <BR>>>>me a list of them in Brisbane,
Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? <BR>>>>(UK)<BR>>>>A: What
exactly did your last slave die of?<BR>>>><BR>>>>7. Q: Can
you give me some information about hippo racing
in<BR>>>>Australia?(USA)<BR>>>>A: A-fri-ca is the big
triangle shaped continent south of Europe. <BR>>>>Aus-tra-lia is that
big island in the middle of the pacific which <BR>>>>does not... oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday <BR>>>>night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.<BR>>>><BR>>>>8. Q: Which direction
is North in Australia? (USA)<BR>>>>A: Face south and then turn 90
degrees. Contact us when you get
here<BR>>>>
<BR>>>><BR>><BR>> <BR>><BR>>>>and we'll send
the rest of the directions.<BR>>>><BR>>>>9. Q: Can I bring
cutlery into Australia? (UK)<BR>>>>A: Why? Just use your fingers like
we do.<BR>>>><BR>>>>10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys'
Choir schedule? (USA)<BR>>>>A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little
country bordering Ger-man-y, <BR>>>>which is...oh forget it. Sure,
the Vienna Boys Choir plays every <BR>>>>Tuesday night in Kings
Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come
<BR>>>>naked.<BR>>>><BR>>>>11. Q: Do you have
perfume in Australia? (France)<BR>>>>A: No, WE don't
stink.<BR>>>><BR>>>>12. Q: I have developed a new product
that is the fountain of youth.<BR>>>>
<BR>>>><BR>><BR>> <BR>><BR>>>>Can you tell me
where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)<BR>>>>A: Anywhere significant
numbers of Americans gather.<BR>>>><BR>>>>13. Q: Can I wear
high heels in Australia? (UK)<BR>>>>A: You are a British politician,
right?<BR>>>><BR>>>>14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in
Tasmania where the female<BR>>>>
<BR>>>><BR>>population<BR>> <BR>><BR>>>>is
smaller than the male population? (Italy)<BR>>>>A: Yes, gay
nightclubs.<BR>>>><BR>>>>15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas
in Australia? (France)<BR>>>>A: Only at
Christmas.<BR>>>><BR>>>>16. Q: Are there killer bees in
Australia? (Germany)<BR>>>>A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import
them.<BR>>>><BR>>>>17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney
and is milk available all <BR>>>>year round?
(Germany)<BR>>>>A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter
gatherers. <BR>>>>Milk is illegal.<BR>>>><BR>>>>18.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
<BR>>>>dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)<BR>>>>A:
Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
<BR>>>>Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and <BR>>>>make good pets.<BR>>>><BR>>>>19.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but
I<BR>>>>
<BR>>>><BR>>forget<BR>> <BR>><BR>>>>its name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)<BR>>>>A: It's called a
Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop
out<BR>>>>
<BR>>>><BR>><BR>> <BR>><BR>>>>of gumtrees and
eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them, <BR>>>>although you
personally should be safe enough. If you are still <BR>>>>worried you
can scare them off by spraying yourself with human
urine<BR>>>>
<BR>>>><BR>><BR>> <BR>><BR>>>>before you go
out walking.<BR>>>><BR>>>>21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969
on R+R, and I want to contact the
<BR>>>>girl<BR>>>>
<BR>>>><BR>>I<BR>> <BR>><BR>>>>dated while I
was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)<BR>>>>A: Yes, but you
will have to pay her by the hour, just like last
<BR>>>>time.<BR>>>><BR>>>>22. Q: Will I be able to
speek English most places I go? (USA)<BR>>>>A: Yes, but you'll have
to learn it
first.<BR>>>><BR>>>>
<BR>>>><BR>><BR>>Andy
Lacey<BR>>http://www.minstersystems.co.uk<BR>><BR>>_______________________________________________<BR>>AccessD
mailing
list<BR>>AccessD@databaseadvisors.com<BR>>http://databaseadvisors.com/mailman/listinfo/accessd<BR>>Website:
<A
href="http://www.databaseadvisors.com">http://www.databaseadvisors.com</A><BR>><BR>>
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