Ken Ismert
kismert at gmail.com
Thu Aug 24 18:36:21 CDT 2006
In response to Shamil's OT Russian Humor post, I am submitting a list of jokes at the expense of the residents of my fine hometown: Houston, Texas. Houstonians: * Think their SUV is perfectly safe to drive at 90 mph while talking on the cell phone, but believe it impossible to park between the stripes at a parking lot. * When asked what is great about their town, will respond "It has a big freeway going directly to a shopping mall, where you can eat at TGI Fridays!" * Hate trees. Blacktop parking lots and billboards are much more attractive. * Have no problem with 10,000 member churches, with the preacher's name on the building instead of Jesus, but are all for smaller government. * Can't understand the concept of zoning. Drive anywhere in Houston, and you're likely to see a sewage treatment plant, church, strip club, farm land and homes, all within minutes of each other. * If a Houstonian throws a frisbee out the window of their car on any major street, chances are it will hit a Mexican restaurant. If it ricochets, it will hit a dentist's office. * Love strip malls, those single-story retail centers. Houston has thousands of them, on average about 60% occupied. The response? Build more strip malls! * Decry the politicians of the past as corrupt, but rally around their current political leaders when they get indicted for taking illegal contributions. * Have increasing man-made problems with flooding in their city, but when local government comes up with a flood control proposal, it is decried by activists as a "rain tax", and defeated. Sand bags, anyone? * Found good fortune? Most people would move to a nicer neighborhood, but not Houstonians. They tear down an old house in a cheaper neighborhood and build a big-ass one in its place. Why move up when you can build out? * If you want to be known as an eccentric in Houston, walk. On your way to your local grocery store or restaurant, friends will stop and ask if your car has broken down, and do you need a lift? Family will worry that your finances are in a slump. Strangers will either see you as a menace and lock their car doors, or just stare. If you persist, you'll become known in your neighborhood as "that walking man". * Passionately love their guns. Lots of Houstonians are licensed for concealed carry, which means they can have a pistol on their person nearly all the time. If you are a stranger in this town, and are lost, or need assistance, DO NOT knock on someone's door at night. I'm serious about this -- you could be on the receiving end of a firearm. * See themselves as rugged individualists, but are attracted to the new "upscale" housing developments where $300,000-plus homes are built 6 feet from one another. * For security, more and more Houstonians are living in "gated" communities, surrounded by walls one brick thick. A child with a claw hammer could break through those walls. * Historically, white Houstonians have moved further and further from downtown to get away from the minorities. Meanwhile, the land value downtown has increased to the point where the minorities can sell and move to the suburbs. Now white Houstonians are moving back downtown. * Houston was once ranked as the fattest city in America, but subsequently got bumped from the top spot. Curse you, Philadelphia! * Reside in the county with the highest rate of death penalty convictions in the US, some of which are handed down with shockingly scant evidence. Yet, despite having a higher percentage of the population in jail than any other country on Earth, no one feels safe. Enjoy your weekend! -Ken