[AccessD] OT: Houstonian Humor

Kath Pelletti kp at sdsonline.net
Thu Aug 24 19:39:08 CDT 2006


Very funny Ken! :)

Kath
  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Ken Ismert 
  To: accessd at databaseadvisors.com 
  Sent: Friday, August 25, 2006 9:36 AM
  Subject: [AccessD] OT: Houstonian Humor


  In response to Shamil's OT Russian Humor post, I am submitting a list of 
  jokes at the expense of the residents of my fine hometown: Houston, Texas.

  Houstonians:

  * Think their SUV is perfectly safe to drive at 90 mph while talking on 
  the cell phone, but believe it impossible to park between the stripes at 
  a parking lot.

  * When asked what is great about their town, will respond "It has a big 
  freeway going directly to a shopping mall, where you can eat at TGI 
  Fridays!"

  * Hate trees. Blacktop parking lots and billboards are much more 
  attractive.

  * Have no problem with 10,000 member churches, with the preacher's name 
  on the building instead of Jesus, but are all for smaller government.

  * Can't understand the concept of zoning. Drive anywhere in Houston, and 
  you're likely to see a sewage treatment plant, church, strip club, farm 
  land and homes, all within minutes of each other.

  * If a Houstonian throws a frisbee out the window of their car on any 
  major street, chances are it will hit a Mexican restaurant. If it 
  ricochets, it will hit a dentist's office.

  * Love strip malls, those single-story retail centers. Houston has 
  thousands of them, on average about 60% occupied. The response? Build 
  more strip malls!

  * Decry the politicians of the past as corrupt, but rally around their 
  current political leaders when they get indicted for taking illegal 
  contributions.

  * Have increasing man-made problems with flooding in their city, but 
  when local government comes up with a flood control proposal, it is 
  decried by activists as a "rain tax", and defeated. Sand bags, anyone?

  * Found good fortune? Most people would move to a nicer neighborhood, 
  but not Houstonians. They tear down an old house in a cheaper 
  neighborhood and build a big-ass one in its place. Why move up when you 
  can build out?

  * If you want to be known as an eccentric in Houston, walk. On your way 
  to your local grocery store or restaurant, friends will stop and ask if 
  your car has broken down, and do you need a lift? Family will worry that 
  your finances are in a slump. Strangers will either see you as a menace 
  and lock their car doors, or just stare. If you persist, you'll become 
  known in your neighborhood as "that walking man".

  * Passionately love their guns. Lots of Houstonians are licensed for 
  concealed carry, which means they can have a pistol on their person 
  nearly all the time. If you are a stranger in this town, and are lost, 
  or need assistance, DO NOT knock on someone's door at night. I'm serious 
  about this -- you could be on the receiving end of a firearm.

  * See themselves as rugged individualists, but are attracted to the new 
  "upscale" housing developments where $300,000-plus homes are built 6 
  feet from one another.

  * For security, more and more Houstonians are living in "gated" 
  communities, surrounded by walls one brick thick. A child with a claw 
  hammer could break through those walls.

  * Historically, white Houstonians have moved further and further from 
  downtown to get away from the minorities. Meanwhile, the land value 
  downtown has increased to the point where the minorities can sell and 
  move to the suburbs. Now white Houstonians are moving back downtown.

  * Houston was once ranked as the fattest city in America, but 
  subsequently got bumped from the top spot. Curse you, Philadelphia!

  * Reside in the county with the highest rate of death penalty 
  convictions in the US, some of which are handed down with shockingly 
  scant evidence. Yet, despite having a higher percentage of the 
  population in jail than any other country on Earth, no one feels safe.


  Enjoy your weekend!
  -Ken


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