Bruce Bruen
bbruen at unwired.com.au
Fri May 4 08:06:04 CDT 2007
On Friday 04 May 2007 22:23, Bruce Bruen wrote: > I dont know the heratige of this, but it certainly had me laughing. > avagoodweekend! > > > Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint > letter of the year...have a laugh and read on. > > Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A > real-life customer complaint > > letter sent to -- (to their complaints dept....) > > Dear Cretins, > I have been an -- customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for > your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this > three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had > not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity > of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, > so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to > rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can > have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working > day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: > > My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my > spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your > technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 > minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more > annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful > website....HOW? > > I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes > - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. > > The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, > although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - > such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem > had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem > arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. > I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours > between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am > still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my > mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a > variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly > skilled bollock jugglers. > > I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone > will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone > will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows > whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); > that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an > answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be > transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating > Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. > > Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a > thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of > those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't > care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's > in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, > therefore, if I continue. > > I thought ** were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god- > awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more > disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to > their customers. That's why I chose ---, and because, well, there isn't > anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered > to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless > shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of > distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. > > @@ - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons > of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless > inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and > foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that > you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for > the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to > deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and > disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused > rage. > > I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my > cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for > both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not > become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the > time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did > not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them > the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless > employees. > > Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you > irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats. > > John > > -- > regards > > Bruce -- regards Bruce