[dba-Tech] OT ;-)

>From Jeff Dray at Techrepublic

During my years working in IT support, I have become more and more
interested in the many types of people who call IT help desks. Like a
biologist, I have found that having a classification system is critical in
understanding the users that I help on a daily basis. It is with this in
mind, and with my tongue in my cheek, that I have categorized users into the
following species:


1. "The Expert": Userus expertia
"The Expert" user is the curse of most IT support establishments. Experts
try out something they heard about from "the bloke in the pub," an
unqualified expert on everything who offers advice to anyone who will
listen. Experts usually make a complete mess of their systems when they
follow the bloke's advice. Then they compound the problem by trying to fix
it themselves, often destroying their machines. As a last resort, they call
the help desk and demand that their machines be replaced or mended
immediately, as they have urgent work that can't wait. There has been an
Expert at every place I have worked. I leave it to you to decide who your
resident Expert is.

2. "The Fiddler": Userus manipulata
The motto of "The Fiddler" is: "I wonder what happens if.." I've placed
these callers next because they are the most closely related to the Expert.
These callers don't realize that some files actually make their computers
work. If they don't recognize a file as one of their own, they delete it and
are surprised when something then stops working. Unlike the Expert, they
don't say anything about the problem; you only discover it months later from
a casual remark, such as, "Oh no, that hasn't worked for ages. I meant to
call you." Fiddlers are usually very pleasant people-who will drive you mad.

3. "The Mouse": Userus rodentia
"The Mouse" is more common than the previous two and fortunately less
harmful. For this species of caller, the big gray box is a source of blind
terror. I can remember talking on the phone to a Mouse at a UK
communications company. She had worked in a telephone exchange for years and
was suddenly given a PC to help her. She had not asked for it and didn't
want it. The screen was making strange noises, and she was concerned.
"I don't want it to explode or anything," she wailed.
"No," I said patronizingly, "they don't explode. There's no explosive in
them."
Then I heard a loud "BANG!" through the phone.
"What was that?" I asked.
"My screen has just exploded," she replied.

4. "The Train Spotter": Userus geekissimus
"The Train Spotter" is most often the offspring of an Expert and a Fiddler.
These callers are usually harmless and don't have many computer problems.
What they do have is an IT magazine, which they have read from cover to
cover. The Train Spotter will invariably corner an unsuspecting help desk
tech and proceed to bore the tech rigid by sharing their knowledge. The main
difference between Train Spotters and other callers is that Train Spotters
do not usually phone the help desk; they visit in person.

I'm not quite sure what they want from the help desk, but they take up a lot
of time asking various questions about new innovations, about which I
usually know nothing. I have found no explanation for the existence of this
user other than that the Expert and Fiddler conceived the Train Spotter on a
trip to a computer trade fair.

5. "The Paranoid User": Userus newbigata
"Paranoid Users" are convinced that the computer has an intelligence of its
own and is out to get them. The machine is constantly doing something that
causes a problem. The computer will maliciously alter their documents,
obliterate all references to their passwords, and lose work they have saved.
If a machine is ever going to break down, it will be while being used by a
Paranoid. This species' one saving grace is determination. They never give
up, as much as you wish they would.

6. "The I'm-building-a-case User": Userus fabricatum
"The I'm-building-a-case User" is grinding an axe to get some new gadget
brought in to his department or have an old one taken away. They report
hundreds of trivial problems, hoping upper management will buy them the
latest all-singing and all-dancing machine. The real problem with this
species of caller is the fact that they are usually not trying to replace
computer equipment. This user doesn't see the difference between computers
and any other piece of office equipment. I have often been required to pass
opinions on all kinds of electrical equipment even after pointing out my
lack of knowledge on the subject. I do not evaluate coffee makers. I do not
drink coffee, and I know nothing about the black arts involved in its
production.

7. "The Just-testing User": Userus gustulata
"The Just-testing User" is not even using a computer but wants to test your
knowledge and, if possible, trip you up. The best technique for dealing with
this species is by answering questions with "I don't know." They cannot deal
with this straight capitulation. Most Just-testing users would love the
chance to show your boss how useless you are or how little you know. They
are thrilled when you give a wrong answer and will crow about it
incessantly.

8. "Pig Pen": Userus perfumia
Based on the Charles M. Schulz Peanuts character, "Pig Pen" has the
messiest, most unhygienic work area in the company. Pig Pen's personal
hygiene is fine; it is only the workspace that is a hazard. It is a
graveyard for old coffee cups, half-eaten green sandwiches, used Kleenex,
and moldy sock collections. Pig Pens are some of the nicest and most
technically able people you know. They usually give the help desk very
little trouble except when their keyboard needs replacing, which is often.
Pig Pen is a mainstay of most companies, the backbone of whatever department
he or she works for. If that were not the case, the company would have let
them go years ago.

9. "The I-don't-want-to-hear-that! User": Userus headinsandia
This is a rather curious species. They call, ask a question, and if they
don't hear what they want, they take it personally. I always wonder why they
ask, if they don't want to know the answer. It does not seem to matter that
what they want is not possible. All they want is to hear the answer they're
looking for.

10. "The End-of-my-tether User": Userus adlimitus
This is the angriest but, perversely, often the easiest to deal with. After
spending weeks attempting to resolve their own queries, they finally swallow
their pride and call the help desk. Calls from this type of user usually end
in one of three ways:

The problem's solution can be found simply by reading page 1 of his
instruction manual, which, of course, the caller has not done.
The caller is informed that the operation she is trying to perform cannot be
performed with the equipment or software that she has.
The caller has already found a solution but phoned the help desk to let you
know how frustrated, mad, or unsatisfied he is.


Jon


The information in this e-mail is confidential and may also be legally
privileged. The contents are intended for recipient only and are subject
to the legal notice available on request from : webmaster at alcontrol.co.uk
ALcontrol Laboratories is a trading division of ALcontrol UK Limited.
Registered Office: Templeborough House, Mill Close, Rotherham, S60 1BZ.
Registered in England and Wales No 4057291